What is my voice again, exactly?

I'm a big user of the "notes" app on my iPhone. I've had one on there for a good long while. 

The title?

 "Speaking Engagement (for real)"

And that's all that the note has held. Just a lonely title; nothing more.

Today,  I wrote three words. "Forgiveness and understanding." Yep. That's all.

I have believed that my doing stand-up comedy was a door for me. Well, yes, it was in fact a door for me, for a lot of things, but I believed it was a stepping stone to speaking engagements. 

I was comfortable in front of the audience. And I have a lot to share with people. Seems fitting.

It's still something that I would like to do. I've been asked a few times by different groups or organizations, but declined.

After the last offer that I declined, someone that I know told me a speaking engagement should be easy, when compared to doing stand-up.

Should it? I don't think I agree. Comedy seemed easy. Trying to figure out a "format" and what I'd actually want to say at a speaking engagement is proving to be alot more difficult. 

Maybe it's because the comedy was mainly for me? I didn't really care what the outcome was. I liked it. I enjoyed it. 

But this, it's not for me, it's for "them." It's for the audience. I have difficulty even beginning.

So, it makes me wonder now if I should just stick to writing.  Or maybe, I'm just giving up because it's too hard. 

Either way. 

Here I am.

Writing about it. 

October 25th - A greater significance than I knew

John and I will have been married 20 years in a few weeks on October 25, 2011.

We were "official" on this same date in high school, so that is why we chose this date to be married three years later. We were fresh out of high school. Even so, October 25, 1991 was the date the "Walker Family" began, with just he and I. Jeffrey came along not too long after in 1993, and then Chance in 1996.

The significance of October 25th at that time was only that it had been our "we are officially a couple" date. Until today, I had no idea that this date held a great significance in my life, that had actually begun 15 years before we got married.

During our recent visit back home to Evansville, Indiana, my Mom (my grandmother who raised me) sent me home with some boxes of things. She's moved from her house in Posey County to an apartment in town and the boxes of things she gave me had been found in one of the storage areas when it was cleaned out. 

There was a photo album in one of the boxes that I don't recall every seeing before. It had belonged to my parents. It didn't have many photos in it, but some of them I had never seen before.

"Deb and Jeff 1971"

In the front of the photo album was an envelope that Mom had put in there for me. Inside the envelope was a copy of my father's accident report from when he was killed on September 25, 1976. It contained additional information that I hadn't seen previously. I also found a paper that took me a minute to realize what it was. It was the guardianship papers that granted legal guardianship over my sister and I to my Mom. 

The date that my family changed back then, was on the same date that my family had changed when 

John and I got married... October 25th. 

I had no idea the date of our wedding was so significant, and before I even knew it.

 

My Mom and I at my book signing in Evansville, Indiana
September 2011

Misty and John October 2011

I love my families... all of them.

Be Still...

This morning, I was given a very special gift.


A work friend of mine, who read my book over the weekend, quietly presented me with a beautiful card that included a lengthy note inside. Along with the card, I was given these three rocks.

When she laid the rocks on my desk, they were face down so they just looked like plain black rocks. After I finished reading the card, and wiped a tear or two from my eyes, I picked up one of them and saw that they said something. One by one, I slowly turned over each rock.


...Be Still


...And Listen


...to God.



What makes these very simple rocks such a very special gift in my eyes is the fact that they were special to the person who gave them to me. She'd painted the words on them herself many years ago, and since then, they'd stayed in a prominent place on the night stand right next to her bed, where she could view them every day.

To me, giving another person something of your own that you yourself cherish holds such a great deal of meaning.

I am honored that she wanted me to have them.



Thank you, my friend.



And to my other friends, take a moment out of your day and...

Be still... And listen... To God.

A quarter and a smile

Photo by Misty Lynn Walker and Boys

John and I went grocery shopping earlier. We shop often at our local Aldi food market. For anyone not familiar with that chain, at Aldi you are responsible for bagging your own food i.e. you bring your own bags (or you can buy bags there; disposable or reusable.)

When you first arrive, you put a quarter in a slot on a cart, which releases it from the rest of the carts. When you are done shopping and have unloaded your cart, you take it back to the front and attach it to the rest of the carts, which pushes your quarter back out to you.

All items within the store are off-brands, so the cost of some items are generally going to be much less than if you purchased it at a higher end grocery chain.

With that, in combination with the shopper being responsible for their own bagging and return of their cart, it allows a much lower over head for the store as they do not require the staff to bag groceries or retrieve carts from the parking lot, which also helps with keeping the consumer's cost down.

To me, it's very green and "hippy-ish," and is one of the reasons that I like shopping there. I also enjoy coffee shops and small cafe's and co-op restaurants where you (gasp) yes, bus your own tables.

With all of that said, believe it or not I'm not trying to promote any place or anything. Well... Actually, I take that back. I am promoting something, but must explain further before you will understand what it is.

As we just finished loading the last of our groceries into our vehicle, a man with a young boy with him was walking by us on his way to the store entrance. He stopped and, with a friendly smile and demeanor, said "Can I save you a trip and trade you a quarter for your cart?"

Of course, we traded. He gave us a quarter, and I held the cart to keep it from rolling while he put his boy in.

Driving home John said, "It's amazing more people don't do that."

To do this, being nice and friendly to a stranger is required. And this is something that some people just don't even consider, think about, or take the time to do.

"A quarter and a smile" is worth a great deal more than just 25 cents.

Those three words

"It's a boy."

My oldest son, Jeff, turned 18 last week. On his birthday, while I was at work, I sporadically listed to my friends things my 'baby' could now do. This evening, he did one of the numerous things on my list - he bought some scratch off lottery tickets.

Over the course of the evening, I've reminisced particular things that have happened over the course of his life... And i realized just how many of these things Jeff has no recollection of because he was alive, yes, but was but a wee peanut still growing in my belly.

I've decided to share some things so he can get a peek inside and share a glimpse of how our lives evolved around him, before, during, and after his birth.

My husband, John, and I married at eighteen, just five months after we graduated high school. On our one-year wedding anniversary in October of 1992, I was two months pregnant.

John and I were still living with my "Mom," my grandmother who raised me.

John's half sister, Melissa, and her husband (also named John) had recently moved in right down the road from us, and we spent a lot of time with them before and during the pregnancy. Melissa was pregnant at the same time I was and we actually went and got tested at the same time to confirm.

(Though Melissa and John had moved away to a different state by the end of our pregnancies, we almost delivered at the same time- your cousin was born the day after you on May 4th.)

The day I'd went and got tested to confirm was also the day I told my Mom we were expecting. With the same breath, I also told her that, if it was a boy, he would be named... Jeffrey.

Even though John and I had  been married less than a year, and I was only 19, I'd already known for a long time that my first son would be named Jeff- after my father.

My father had been killed in an accident in 1976 when I was three. I never knew him, but I knew without a doubt that he was a kind and good man. And this was one way I knew his memory would live on, even past me.

If I have one regret, it is that I did not go further and give Jeffrey the middle name of "Wilhite," my maiden name and my father's last name. We picked the middle name of William simply because it fit nicely and seemed to work well.

(Though your Dad never really had a choice and never disagreed with naming you Jeffrey, he rebelliously called you "Junior" after you were born. But, that wore off after a couple weeks.)

I was working as a cashier at "The Eagles Nest" during my pregnancy. (The cafe at the University of Southern Indiana) The college students that came through my line every day watched as my belly grew bigger and bigger.

(And then one day, I wasn't there when they came thru the line. We were at the hospital instead- because it was the day you decided you were ready to see the world. Well, it was the day before, actually. You took your time.)

We were at the hospital around 1pm in the afternoon on May 2nd and just after 1am in the morning on May 3rd, we had a beautiful baby boy in our arms.

Over the course of the nine months, everyone had convinced us that we were having a girl. We'd picked the name Jessica Lynn, just in case.

I am thankful, and grateful, that our "Jeffrey" arrived as we'd originally and initially planned.

(I can't imagine our lives without YOU.)

Our little beautiful and perfect baby boy is now EIGHTEEN, and graduating high school in less than a month. Our first son has matured and grown to be such a wonderful, intelligent, funny, creative, and just awesome person all around.

It's simply mind boggling as it seems it was just yesterday that we heard those three words... "It's a boy."

Right this very moment

Never fails that dates seem to still sneak up on me sometimes. August 2nd. Of course. I knew it was coming up. It crossed my mind ever so briefly one day last week. And then got to work this morning and saw my calender was still on July. Turned it to August and -bam- there it is. Always makes it so much worse when I'm already having a bad day... and then am forced to 'remember that I forgot.'

Today is my sister Amy's birthday. We're supposed to be out somewhere right now having a glass of wine, raising our nice wine glasses into the air over our corner table in our favorite place.... clinking our glasses together, laughing, smiling, and making enough noise to disturb the people at the table next to us.... talking about the memories of her past birthdays... how much trouble we got in together when we were young...

That's what we're supposed to be doing... right this very moment. Right this very moment, I'd say, "You know you actually look younger than you did this time last year. I can barely see those crowes feet and that gray hair," (this is me pointing out that one gray hair). And she'd smack my hand away and we would laugh. (After she pointed out my gray hair.)

That's what we're supposed to be doing right this very moment. Right this very moment, we'd get all serious and I'd tell her about my problems. And even though she's heard them all before she would listen contently as if it was all new. And she would hug me and tell me she loves her little sister. Right at this very moment.

Right at this very moment, I am wishing with all of my heart that this could all be a true story, that you'd seen more birthdays than you did.

Seven. Ha. It's supposed to be your lucky number Amy.

Not the number of candles on your last cake.

Right at this very moment.

Love you. If I had a glass of wine I'd raise it to you. To my big sister. Happy Birthday Amy Sue.

She didn't have a Chance...

Driving home from work tonight, I found myself twirling my sweetheart ring on my finger alot. Just the other day, while I was at the check out lane waiting for the cashier to ring up our groceries, the bagger that was standing in front of me commented on the ring. "Oh, what a pretty ring you have. Is it new?" It's funny to me that someone would ask if this particular ring is new. This ring that I wear nearly every day, and have for years and years, is about forty years old. My father had given it to my mother before they got married.
As I twirled the ring on my finger on the way home, I wondered if my mother had ever done the same while she was driivng home, or any other time. It occurred to me, that when she wore this ring, she was just so very young. Not that I'd never realized this fact prior, but it really just hits home with me sometimes and usually at random moments such as this. Vanishing at the age of nineteen as she did, she just didn't have a chance... "She didn't even have a chance... She didn't even have a chance...." These words circled my head the rest of the way home.

Then... I had to chuckle to myself when my phone beeped and I looked down at the screen. It said "Chance." My son, Chance, had sent me a text message. "She just didn't have a chance," I heard in my head again, but this time I heard the addition of, "...but, I do."