Do you struggle with the "It's not good enough" complex when trying to find a gift for your love? This might help.

I was recently delighted with a special surprise evening. For our 20-year wedding anniversary, my husband insisted on planning a "Johnny Walker Surprise" that was not revealed to me until we reached the destination. (Yes, my husband's name really is Johnny Walker).

"A surprise? But, I don't like surprises," I replied. I say that, often, yet I have never actually encountered a surprise of his that I didn't like.

So, why do I whine that I don't like them?

Maybe because he is far better at making special plans than I am? He is a prodigy when it comes to planning special evenings or presenting special gifts.

When I try to think of things to plan on my own, or gifts to buy or make him, everything I come up with in my head simply withers beneath the towering shadows of the awesomeness that is Johnny Walker.

Simply put, my brain says, "It's not good enough."

I have struggled with this dilemma for years. Some years, I may overcome this delusion I've somehow created for myself, but I still struggle somewhat. But, at times in the past, I'd become so overwhelmed by attempting to plan something special or trying to come up with a special gift that I wasn't even able to pick out a simple greeting card.

I had become cursed with the words that the "Misty mind" was insistent upon repeating, "It's not good enough. It's not good enough."

Don't get me wrong. It's not at all about trying to compete with his plans or his gifts. It's all about my head saying, "It's not good enough... for him."

The "Misty mind" complex began when our relationship did, 23 years ago. He is the world to me, and it's hard for me to come up with a surprise or a gift that can stand up to something so profound.

What's interesting is that for my friends, picking out a card or a gift is easy. Of course, they are special to me as well, but they are not my dear husband.

Devastation Through Paralysis

Without knowing the reasons behind the non-actions for special days, you can imagine the hurt that this can inflict on one's spouse; the husband watches his wife quickly and easily pick out special gifts for friends, and for him, there is nothing when it comes around to his special day.

Without communication, one spouse's internal complex can inadvertently subject the other spouse to their own internal complex. A lack of communication breeds assumptions of what the other is thinking or feeling and assumptions are, more often than not, incorrect.

If you have difficulty thinking of special surprises or gifts for your spouse, don't let yourself become overwhelmed with the decisions and just take it one step at a time. If you have issues with "Misty mind," as I do, allow yourself plenty of extra time to think about it. Putting it off until the last minute will only make it harder for you.

If your spouse is one that seldom buys things for themselves, but you often hear them say, "Oh, I like that!" You can simply keep a running list of things you've heard them comment on. By the time a special day rolls around, you'll have a whole list of things to choose from and can choose one that would be appropriate for the occasion at hand.

Some spouses may be quite hard to buy for simply because if they want something, they've already bought it for themselves by the time a special occasion comes around. So expand your options.

Your running list can also include places your spouse has mentioned they would like to go or maybe specific activities that they've expressed an interest in doing.

"Doing," rather than "buying" may also be an alternative option for you when you want to do something for your love on a special date or occasion such as anniversaries or birthdays.

The Big Reveal

For my special "Johnny Walker Surprise," I was only given a suggestion of appropriate attire for the evening. (Of course, that's one of the first things that I asked when I was told it was a surprise. "Well, what should I wear?")

Our first stop was dinner at a restaurant that I had been wanting to patronize. At the end of our meal, I was presented with a special anniversary cake for dessert. On top was a beautiful porcelain topper of a husband and wife that, together, formed the number 20, the number of years we've been married.

In secret, he had gotten the cake and topper separately and took them to the restaurant earlier that day. I also received a nice anniversary card.

Following dinner, we were off to our second destination of the evening and I was surprised with a special overnight getaway at the Hilton. Our room was adorned with rose petals on the bed, champagne, grapes, strawberries, and chocolates (as well as chips, salsa, and soda in case I wanted a snack later). He had even secretly packed an overnight bag for me.

When you put it all together, it could be seen as just dinner and a room at a hotel. I would have been happy with a picnic in the park and a trip to Target to grab rainbow socks for bowling. It's not the amount of money you spend or where you go, it's the effort, and it's the surprise.

Don't let the "Misty mind" fool you... it is good enough.




Article published by Hitched Magazine November 2011
Click the title to view the article on http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1263

Planning a vacation destination

When it comes to traveling, my husband and I are complete opposites. I’m a homebody and he’s Mr. Adventure—always on the go and likes to travel to different countries. This can cause issues, or even arguments, when we are trying to plan a vacation destination that will suite both of our needs.

What to do? Something many couples may not even think to consider.

First, you must analyze yourself and discover why you feel the way you do. Second, you must share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. And lastly, understand your spouse’s point of view the best you can and come to an agreement.

When I ask myself, "Why do I like to stick close to home?"—and I really think about it—it makes perfect sense and is no surprise.

I lost my family very young and was raised by my grandmother. As a child, I was extremely close to her and had great separation anxiety when I was away from her. Even spending one night away at a friend's house caused issues and sometimes she would have to come pick me up in the middle of the night. I preferred being in my comfort zone of familiar surroundings where I felt safe and secure.

As I grew a bit older, spending the night at a friend's house was no longer an issue because their homes, too, became a part of my comfort zones and I felt secure there.

But, when it was time for college, just the thought of attending a large campus away from home was a cause of anxiety; and I opted for a very small community college close to home, instead. Add in the fact my mother is a missing person and my father was killed in an accident, and knowing how easily bad things can happen, it is no surprise that I've always been a homebody. It all just makes sense and, for me and my history, is "normal."

Don't get me wrong. At 38 years old, I'm no shut-in by any means. I'd just prefer to do a "day trip" or maybe a weekend trip to somewhere that's not too far from home rather than flying away for a week or two to another country.

Understanding One Another’s Point of View
What fueled our vacation planning discussion between my husband and I started when we’d been given the opportunity to use a time-share once a year.

My husband's point of view is this: "We can go anywhere in the world. Why would I want to waste that opportunity and stay somewhere in the same state that we live in? We can do that any time."

Valid point.

And you know what? The more he explains his point of view, the more I am actually warming up to the idea. And the more I explain my point of view, the more he is warming up to my idea of doing something close to home—even day or weekend trips, too.

Over the past few years, we've not vacationed because we simply couldn't agree on where we would go. So, we just didn't go… period.

Now, I'm starting to get excited about taking a trip. Why waste something that is a great opportunity? I've always loved Egyptian history and architecture. Egypt… Paris… maybe Italy?

I am learning to release my former fears and anxiety and am allowing myself to embrace my creative and spontaneous side. What wonderful pictures I would be able to take if we went to Egypt! How many writing ideas would I come up with in Paris?

In turn, my husband is also realizing we can have a wonderful "mini-vacation" at a local resort an hour from home.

End result? We're going to be doing both.

Published by Hitched Magazine http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1237

Be sure to check out some of the other great articles on HitchedMag.com.

It is a wonderful resource for married couples!

"You don't listen." Wait... or DO you?

Rewind twenty years...

John and I are eighteen years old and freshly married. We are having an argument. What about - oh, who the heck knows. But, there's one thing I do remember from this night, other than the fact we'd also recently gotten a waterbed.

But, I digress.

John was going on about something and I was listening to whatever it was he was talking about... without saying anything.

He later was agitated because I was not saying anything. He thought that because I was not going back and forth with him that I was not listening to what he was saying and thought that I was not putting forth effort to help resolve whatever the issue was at that time.

My response was that I did not want to interrupt him while he was talking and by the time he was done I forgot what it was that I was going to say.

(And I'm not saying anything bad about my husband here, he just gets on a roll sometimes when he is passionate about something, as many do.)

His response? "Interrupt me then."

I listened. And I obliged.

Fast forward ten years...

John can't finish a thought out loud without me putting in my two cents.

Ahhhh... Evolution. Sometimes it just really doesn't go the way we imagined it would.

Fast forward another ten years to today...

Sure I do still interrupt sometimes. But, it is more balanced now and I make a conscious effort. And now when John is talking, he will stop periodically and ask my thoughts.

Point of the story:

1) Sometimes we need to just shut up.
2) Sometimes we need to speak up.
3) Sometimes we need to just shut up, so our spouse can speak up.

Live. Love. Learn.

Misty Lynn

"Life Boat"

Last night I had a dream that my husband and I were fishermen. We had a boat and every day we went out on the water and we fished. We even sported those long yellow slickers that were spotted with disgusting and smelly rotten fish guts.

Just describing it right now as I type on my trusty iPhone, I can smell that rank fish smell that was so obtrusive to my senses in my dream.

But, we were fisherman, and we absolutely loved being out on the waters, together, everyday... Even if it was choppy and black on some days, even if it was so foggy you couldn't see your hand in front of your face - as long as we sensed the other one was near, we were just fine and perfectly content.

But, not all days were bad and smelly. Some were absolutely crystal clear with smooth waters and blue skies with nice tans and sassy swim suits. That's after the boat had morphed into a large and expensive yacht, of course.

Now, obviously, I was not having this dream simply because I adore the water and love to fish. If you know me, you know that it is QUITE the opposite. I am not a "water person," in the least. And I also have absolutely no interest in fishing.

In my dream, it seemed as if we had lived twenty-three years on that boat. We had encountered many "episodes" of close calls with a man overboard. One of us would fall off the side of the boat (or jumped) while the other one struggled to pull them back in.

Or sometimes one of us would spend most of the time on the opposite side of the boat than the other, and the other would wonder around the boat desperately seeking our mate... Knowing they had to just be a fingertip away, but the fog was just too thick to find them. And who was in which position flip flopped from one to the other.

This would go on for some time on occasions before we both ended up back on deck together.

Of course, it all has meaning. Water generally symbolizes "life" when it comes to dreams. And everything in the dream was pretty much right on the money if you were comparing it to all twenty-three years that we've been together.

But, wait...  Suddenly, another has come onto this "life boat" of ours... We have a 3rd mate on deck now and it is our son, Jeffrey, who recently turned 18 and graduated high school.

It appears that since he's now eighteen and out of school, we have asked... Insisted?.... forced Jeffrey to join the fisherman livelihood that we had elected for ourselves so many years before.

And what happened to Jeffrey on his first day onboard? A shark bit his hand right off. We wrapped up his stump arm and pretty much said, "Yep, so there ya go." We didn't even seek medical attention for him.

But, by the end of the dream, his hand had grown back... all by itself.

Creating your own rules for Marriage

My husband, John, and I were looking through our Freshman High School yearbook a few weeks ago. He's been trying to place the name of a specific person that we went to school with to no avail. None of the names or pictures rang any bells, but something else chimed out very loudly and very clearly.

Buried deep within the pages of the old yearbook, we found two pieces of school notebook paper with six "Fair Fighting Rules" that John and I were to abide by if something came up that we disagreed on. I think I'd found these rules in a magazine and, of course, I thought that because it had been written in a magazine then these rules must be so.

I remembered the way I felt when I showed them to John back then; empowered in "knowing" that since we had these six rules we were obviously going to be set for a better life. How wonderful this magazine was to give us the key to achieve a perfect relationship. At least that's what I thought then.

After John and I reviewed the rules, we agreed that some of them had been broken many times over the years. It also made us realize that it's very easy to write things down: things married people should do, things married people shouldn't do, etc. But as our marriage progressed we both came to realize that just because something is written doesn't make it so and that the rules we came up with back then, didn’t really apply to our lives in the present.

Why? Marriage is far too complex to be summarized into one distinct category and much too indifferent to have a set of rules to be thrust upon any one couple. The marriage of two human beings is a living and breathing thing. It breathes in and it breathes out and sometimes it even holds its breath. It grows hot, warm, cold and hot again. To put rules on a piece of paper is like trying to map the travel of a swarm of butterflies or alligators. Couples need to realize that each day is its own and each year is another reason to look back and reminisce on what the good and bad experiences were in the relationship and use those experiences to help gather the positive attributes to help strengthen what you share together.

There are many things such as personal experiences, specific circumstances and the overall history of a relationship that reflect what makes any marriage a "good marriage." Sometimes the past mistakes that we’ve made and things we’ve done wrong in a relationship are actually the things that end up making us a closer couple, making us stronger and making our relationship even better.

We are all human, and people will always make mistakes. There is no manual or set of rules written by couples, themselves, that will fit into every single situation you encounter along the way. If there were, it would be marked up with so many notes, exceptions, ifs, whens and maybes that it would end up being mounds of writing on top of writing. Remembering, to live and learn will help your marriage grow and will help it prepare for the unexpected—whether good or bad.




Article published Hitched Magzine:
http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1189

PLAY DATES! (For Couples)

We see the need for our children to have "play dates" with other children. But, do we, as married couples, sometimes forget that spending time with our peers is beneficial to us, as well?

ADULTS CAN SWIM IN THE KIDDIE POOL, TOO.

"COUPLES PLAY DATES"

Gather your couples friends, pick a time/day,and mark your calendar.

Photo By Misty Lynn Walker

A special Thank You to Justin Kane for letting

me use the photo I took of him!

When our children are young, we make "play dates" so that they may spend time with other children and grow with them, interact with them, and learn from, and with, them.


For our children, we will often put our own needs aside so that they will have these opportunities to spend time with their peers, because we understand how important it is for them to have these interactions.


It's easy to forget that we, (adults who are married or are in committed relationships) also crave, require, and benefit from our own "play dates" with other "couples."


For young children, in addition to interaction with those of the same age and home-style situations as their own, it can also be beneficial for them to spend time with those who are older than them, younger than them, and in different home situations than they are. These interactions are also important for them to have and are great learning experiences for them, too.


When we are married couples, parents, or those in a committed relationship of the like, we will naturally tend to sometimes gravitate towards others who are in similar situations as we are, but will often have friends, or groups of friends, who's situations are unlike our own.


Spending time with both sides of these friend circles, both together as one large group, or separately in smaller groups, is good for us. But, let us not forget that it is completely acceptable, and okay, to sometimes plan a specific type of get-together that's just for "couples."


We have some friends who are single, and some friends who are couples. For this Memorial Day weekend, my husband and I, and two other couples, planned a "play date" with just three couples.


My work friends and I do "girl time" after work at least twice a month for a few hours. It is wonderful to have time with just the girls; discussing things, venting, and being silly with just us. These play dates include all of our girl friends; single, divorced, and married.


But, when you are a couple, it is also very important and very beneficial to spend time with other couples that are in a committed relationship. Though we didn't like not including our single friends in this specific event, we knew they would understand.


Because John and I married and had children very young (married at 18, first child at 20) it's often been very difficult to find other couples in our "exact" peer group. I don't think we have ever been friends with another couple who were both our age and had children the same age as ours. We've often been good friends with other couples who actually had children the same age as we were, or friends with couples who were much younger than us that had much younger children, or no children at all. But, it's still good to do things with other couples who are also in committed relationships, even if they aren't in the exact home situation as you are.


Between us and the other two couples on our Memorial weekend "couples play date," we were the only couple in our specific situation. John and I will have been married 20 years this October, and we have two teenage boys, 18 and 15. One of the other couples has been married not quite two years, and were in a committed relationship for three years before they married. The other couple is not married, but they have been in a committed relationship with each other for five years and they share a home together. Neither of the other couples have children and they were all a bit younger than John and I; I turned 38 in April, and John will turn 38 later this year.  The average age of the other couples is 30.

Though it is very nice to sometimes spend time with other couples who are your age, and also have children around the same age as your own, it is not required when planning a "Couples Play Date."  The base of the camaraderie is that you are all in a committed relationship. Even if you are all at different stages of your relationship, you can still learn from each other. Having couples play dates with couples who are in different home situations can actually often lead to being more of a learning experience and prove to be even more valuable than with other couples who are in the exact situation that you are.

It's the same as it being helpful to younger children having play dates that include children that are either older or younger than they are. They can all learn from each other, see different perceptions, perspectives, behaviors, etc., than their own.

Interacting with the other couples and observing their behaviors can actually help our own relationship. It can lead to our own realization of things we need to work on, ourselves. It may give us new and fresh perspectives on past things in our relationship that we are still working on, or just might give us new ideas or perspectives on what we would like to see in our relationship in the future. If you are all at different stages in your relationships, every couple can benefit from the "play date" in this way, in some form or fashion.

(Plus, it's just plain fun to just hang out with friends, too!)

Where did we go on our couples play date?

We did an over-night couples get-away for this specific play date. One of the couples' family members happened to have an empty rent house that they allowed us to utilize. It was a large home, and had a built in pool in the back. Because it was nearly an hour away from where John and I live, and there was plenty of room in the house, we all just stayed there over night. Each couple had their own room that they could retire to.

What did we do on our couples play date?

We all met up at the house around 6pm. Everyone brought food and drinks that we pretty much all shared. The host of the party also ordered pizzas that evening. The majority of what we did that evening was talk. We talked about a lot of stuff.  Random stuff, couples stuff, happenings of the world, our points of view about stuff, stuff about our past jobs, and even though the other couples don't have any, we still talked about children and points of view on the subject.  Lots and lots and lots of talking.  We also swam, ate, drank, and played some fun games.

One of the games we played was this really fun game called "The game of THINGS," which John and I brought.  You have to have at least four people to play, and we hadn't yet played it until now. It's a great game to play with couples. I highly recommend it!

We also played corn hole...

(It's amazing how something so simple can be so fun with a group of people, isn't it?)

The next day, we grilled out, ate, drank, hung out, talked, and swam some more.


A couples play date really isn't about where you go or what you do... it's about interaction. And the only thing you "really" have to spend is... time. 

We were fortunate to have this empty house where we could all go and have a mini couples get-away. But, something like that is not required and it doesn't have to be an over-night couples play date. (Though, if you are able to do that sometimes, I highly recommend it and encourage you to!)

LOVE. LIVE. LEARN.

Misty


If you enjoyed that article, check out this one... "Trust, Honesty, and Silliness. - Maintain a Solid Marriage by Being Silly" By Misty Lynn Walker.  Published by Hitched Magazine - Entertains, Educates, and Inspires Marriages. Click below link to view the article.

http://hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1168

   

Trust, Honesty, and... Silliness

Putting aside the "adult" in your marriage may lead to a more open and honest relationship with your spouse.

The simple act of being married is easy. However, maintaining a solid, happy relationship does take effort on both sides. The tough part is that sometimes we simply don't know what to do to "maintain."

Like any problem, we first have to understand the issue before we can try to correct the situation. It's sometimes all too easy to forget our feelings and lose that "connection" with our spouse, especially after years and years of marriage. These issues can either sneak up on us or we can see it coming from a mile away, and many times we don't know how to deal with it or what to do to make the situation better.

A common misconception many people have is that once we've actually figured the issue out, the problem is over and we think, "Oh, that was it. Done. Fixed."

But, this is where the maintaining part comes in. To maintain something, or anything for that matter, is an ongoing cycle. When maintaining something there is a need for constant upkeep—making a constant and conscious effort to keep your marriage in good shape and not just when a particular problem arises, but all the time.

Of course there are a number of standards necessary to keep and maintain a good marriage. Trust and honesty are the most common and quite simply the most important in keeping a marriage healthy.

Yet, trust and honesty are often two of the hardest things to maintain for some couples. My husband and I will have been married 20 years this year. Not only that, but we've been together since we were 15 years old, which brings me to the word that follows trust and honesty—silliness.

Bring On the SillinessIf I said John, my husband, and I have had a good and strong marriage during the entire 20 years that we have been married, I would be telling you a fairytale. Of course, that is what most of us have in our minds when we get married, isn't it? The "Once Upon A Time, Happily Ever After" fairytale of love.

I now work in an office, a sea of cubicles, if you will. But, not too long ago, I worked for the Coalition for the Homeless of Central Florida in the middle of downtown Orlando. My husband and I both worked there for two years. John worked in the Men's Emergency Shelter, and I worked in the Center for Women and Families.

Even though we have not worked there for several years now, I keep a picture on my cubicle wall at work of some of the kids that lived in the shelter when we worked there, along with our own kids' pictures.

You often hear people say the children of the world are our future. It is very true. But, we have more to learn from the children of the world than we may realize. And this is but one of numerous reasons I keep the children's pictures on my wall to view every day.

A child's first best friend is one of the most pure, open and strong relationships that one could ever find. As a child, we are honest with our best friend, we trust them with our most secret of secrets, aren't afraid of their judgment and we aren't afraid of being silly. With no reason or plans, we’re silly and make each other laugh with our pure and unadulterated silliness.

More than likely, before you were married or at the beginning of your marriage, you experienced this with your spouse. Sadly, what can happen after you've been married a while—once "life" comes in and you have more and more responsibilities: bills, kids, and worries—the word "adult" out weighs anything else and leaves you wondering where the silliness went.

You may try to go out for a nice "date night" to have fun together and then find yourselves bringing up all the "adult stuff" during dinner. "Oh, did you pay that bill?” or you may find your spouse bringing up work, or you might bring up a repair needed on your home.

Of course, yes, we are adults and we do have responsibilities. But, I am here to tell you: You are allowed to check the adult at the door sometimes.

A good suggestion to help: find a new activity to do that neither of you have ever done before or find a group of couples to make new friends that are looking to also find new and fun activities to partake. Introducing new activities and/or new people sprout new, fresh ideas and outlooks and will create conversations about new and different things.

If you don't feel like you want to do stuff with other couples, you could still join, or view online, a "meet up" group for couples in your local area and see what kind of activities they are planning. Even if you don't join their group, you may very well come across some things, places, or activities that sprout a new interest for you as a couple.

And, though it is nice if you're able to, you don't have to go out and spend money for a date night in order to do it.

Watch a stupid movie together and make fun of it during the whole thing; sit on the floor and play a silly game that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; have a picnic outside and fly a kite; turn all the lights out in the house and roast marshmallows or hot dogs over a fireplace or the gas flames on your stove… whatever.

Okay, so you don't have a fireplace and your stove is electric, but don't miss the point here. Be silly, have fun, and enjoy each other in that moment and forget all the hubbub of being an adult, at least for a little while.

You may just find that along with the silliness and more open and honest communication, the trust and honesty will follow.

Article was published by Hitched Magazine with  different title of "Maintain a Solid Marriage by being silly."
http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1168