I sat here quietly for a while, not typing, just staring at the computer screen, wondering if I should even continue writing. “People that have never had chronic pain never really understand,” is what was running through my mind. “They’ll just see this as an attempt to validate all of my “excuses” I have for not being more fit.”
By, the first week of December, John drove me to the first of five visits to the Emergency Room due to the severe and extreme pain that would surface by simply moving a certain way. The fifth visit to the ER was by ambulance, though I have very little recollection of that trip.
The past feelings that I’m speaking of is when I was obsessed with finding out what happened to my Mother. The feeling starts out with a simple hope, but grows into a severe longing. The longing for all of the answers... Longing for something even though it has been proven to be all but completely unattainable. This is what I am speaking of. And also envy. I’m sure envy can be thrown into the pot, as well. Envy of those who heard words from their dearly departed, via the medium. And also, I wanted to protect myself from disappointment. What if I actually did get a reading, but I didn’t hear anything that I was longing to hear?
Speaking of nipping things in the bud, I’ve been wondering to myself how long I actually had this severely herniated disc and how much damage I may have caused myself by not seeking medical attention sooner. I mean, I had seen doctors, but just the symptoms were treated.
Some people have told me, “Well, I have scoliosis, too, and I’ve never had that problem.”
I am grateful to the second ER doctor that I saw who fought to get an MRI done and found what was causing the horrible pain. It had become so excruciating it left me a crumbled version of myself that could at times literally do nothing but writhe and scream out in pain. I am sorry that my husband had to endure these episodes with me. But, I don’t know what I would have done without him being there by my side.
But, one thing that I am sure of is I have to do what is best for me, in ways that are best for me that is best for my body and the way that I was made. I know now that I can’t follow the lead of someone who is not like me. I have to find my own way and make my own path and create my own goals.
You see, I believe them. And I want to follow those leaders. And I want to be like them! And I DO want to do what they do! Because I love it! At least, I did love it. Before. For a brief time.
So, I removed that out of my newsfeed on Facebook.
About four years ago, I started going to a gym regularly and I started pushing myself. And I liked the way that it made me feel. The muscle soreness afterwards was confirmation that I had worked hard and that I had, indeed, accomplished something. I lost thirty pounds and I liked the way that I looked in the mirror when I was exercising. I took cardio kick boxing classes and step aerobic classes and lifted weights and did the cardio machines. All of it just made me feel good all around, mentally and physically, and I felt better about myself. But, slowly the chronic pain began to show itself.
After just a few months, I didn’t go anymore.Even the simple repetitive motion of doing just ten minutes on a recumbent bike would have my back in severe pain for a week. Other people just didn’t understand how that could actually happen.